the next step

The past year has been incredibly good to me – I made some HUGE life changes, ones that I have wanted to make for years. But sitting on the balcony of my cabin, taking in the fresh air and feeling full of love, I still felt there was something not just missing, but that I have been avoiding. A vestige of my past that I have never, ever felt truly ready to address and change. And that little, huge thing is living in the present moment, present-awareness or mindfullness. Living on the mountain I had so many more mindful days. So many more days that I took deep breaths and stretched out my fingers and told myself, “remember this, jenna, you are sure to miss it one day.” And I am proud of myself for those moments, because I do remember them and I feel them thoroughly and deeply. But in order to take that experience and honor it by moving forward with my life and personal growth, I need to take the next step in developing what I like to call my spiritual practice. And I’d like to start with practicing mindfullness – starting tomorrow, I’ll start one new habit: a one-minute meditation. That’s the start, the very first thread, but I know it’s a long road. I’m hoping that writing it here helps me stick to the journey. With love,

After living for six months on the mountain, I felt a peace and happiness different from anything I’ve felt before. Without any certainty that what I am doing is what I will always be doing, I am sure that I’m on the right path.

Right now I am home, or rather at my parents house. Coming here brought up a lot of emotions – happiness, anticipation, love and warmth. But I have to admit it brought fears too – fear that I would return to my old, unhealthy habits. The biggest fear, I’m realizing now, was that I would lose what I had gained on the mountain – my good health, my friendships, my creative habits, most of all my happiness and belief in myself. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat – my first sickness in over six months. Today it was fortuitous that I read an excerpt from Louise Hay’s How to Heal Your Life, because her words helped me realize that it was my fear, and my negative thoughts that brought about exactly what I was expecting to happen. I was afraid to get sick, to gain back the weight, and by concentrating so wholly on those fears, that’s exactly what happened.

So today, as I allow my body to rest, I will push my mind to stay in the present moment. To enjoy the reading I will do and the tea I will drink. To know that even though I am not on the mountain, it is always with me as are the lessons I learned there and so many that I learned before. There’s no need to fear what will happen to me – I carry the mountain with me. And right now is just another new beginning, full of possibility and the sheer joy and love that comes with new adventures and simply being alive.

the idea of home

Today got me thinking again about the idea of home, and what i want to create. When I was biking in turkey over a year ago, i lived for a few weeks in community at an olive farm. Every structure on the farm had been built by friends, family and people traveling through and sharing their skills. The cabins here at Allegheny Mountain School were built in the same way – some timber frame building workshops and some bribing friends with pizza and beer. For over a year the idea of building a home of my own, with my own two hands, has been percolating through my mind. And I know now, with the path I am currently on, that I will realize this dream. It may take quite some time, but I feel completely confident that it will happen. So much has changed for me in the past two months – my world has turned upside down. And suddenly, the possibilities have expanded and seem almost endless.

new adventure, new home for now

I know it’s cliche, but things change so quickly. It’s surreal to imagine where I was two years ago, one year ago, and now. At this moment, I’m sitting at a table; iced coffee in blue mug beside me, bouquet of flowers beside my computer. The wind is picking up outside – clouds and the distant rumble of thunder have been passing through all day. Even still, we managed a quick dip in the pond and just enough time to dry some clothes out on the line. One of my fellow farm interns had friends in town so we made a delicious spread from our garden – home grown cukes, tomatoes, lettuces, kohlrabi, snow peas and onions. In half an hour I have a milking date with Valerie & Tess, our sweet (and sassy) goats. It’s a special time in my life – spent in one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived. I intend to soak up every second, and I am extremely grateful to be here.

inspired

“I want to create. I want to find my voice. I want to slow down, be more observant” – Ashley Stelzer, photographer. 

 

Ditto.

this moment

James Joyce said, “I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.”

Motivation to make my right now todays count.

motivation

As I think more frequently (and with increasing anxiety) about the future and what I want to accomplish, and who I want to be, and where I want to be, it’s become more and more important to hold a few mantras close, and not let fear get the best of me. I stumbled two great pieces of inspiration yesterday and today that I’ll be remembering each time I feel that familiar sense of overwhelm.

Replace fear with curiosity – what a great reminder and lesson. It’s far more productive to think of future options in terms of my curiosity for them, and what could happen (in good ways!) than dwelling on the negatives and catastrophizing.

“And wherever she came, it was spring” – this is a line from Walden, and what it’s getting at is that in order to be serene, contented and at peace you need look no farther than surrounding yourself by nature, breathing in the morning air and connecting with that moment. Instead of living in fear and anxiety – especially while I’m in Richmond surrounded by so many friends and such beauty – why not focus on being present,  being grateful for what I have and making the days of those around me a tiny bit brighter?

So here’s to staying curious and bringing the spring!

my one wish

I read that in French, new year’s resolutions are called new year’s wishes.

The American in me resists that term – “but that means I’m not in control! That means I’m leaving it up to chance and shirking my responsibility to my own life!”  But something else in me embraces this comforting term. It’s a wish, a hope a dream a desire, and yes – I am the only one in my life that can make this happen – but on the other hand maybe it’s about me taking the first baby step, suddenly perceiving that first tiny & subtle shift inside. And then, after starting to move in the right direction, the “universe will unfold exactly as it’s supposed to.” A mixture of will and chance, of freedom and fate.

And so, I was reading another blog whose author’s only resolution is to let go of fear. She challenges others to do the same and I think it’s a beautiful sentiment. After thinking and pondering what I want 2012 to mean for me, I think I have finally settled on a mantra of my own, very similar. My new year’s wish for 2012: to live with courage.

And that means a million things to me – it means having the courage to live according to the values I hold dear, and not according to the expectations of others, even family and friends. It means honoring my dreams, and following them wholeheartedly, now, while I’m healthy, free and able. It means never ceasing to learn and try to find work that I feel is valuable personally and contributes to the growth of humanity as a whole. It means choosing happiness, and my life.

I’m pretty stoked for this wish, and this year.

a new, new

New day, new month, new year, new adventures. And so very welcome.

It’s been a beautiful and difficult year. Let’s start with the beautiful: Ringing the new year at an organic farm in Turkey, given a new, Turkish name, and spending the first day of the year drinking wine on a rooftop deck overlooking olive trees and the sea of Marmara with the most wonderful new friends; long walks gazing at the cutest nephew in the world, celebrating my best friend’s wedding with the most wonderful old friends, running my first marathon, starting a leadership course through work and meeting such motivating Richmond friends, catching breathtaking sunsets at the farm, and helping to grow two acres of vegetables from scratch with best friends. It’s incredible really, to look back on all the moments and know there were millions more just as beautiful.

The difficult: sick grandparents, the guilt of taking them for granted, of not seeing them more; break ups, steps backward; living in the future, focusing on things that will not happen; feeling stuck in a career situation you feel you did not choose that does not challenge you or fulfill you.

All in all, the beautiful has certainly outweighed the difficult, and most of the difficult consists of choices that can be made or unmade, acted upon or not.

New year’s wishes: Live with courage, live in moment, choose a beautiful life, and continue connecting and learning from the amazing people I am privileged to call friends & family, and the amazing people I have yet to meet.

Off to ride my bicycle and make homemade yogurt!

 

what do you wish to happen with your day, today

snow! ice! shivers! 

i know it’s only january, but the cold is starting to penetrate every ounce of my body&soul, and i am sure ready for some spring. one positive thing about winter, however, is that i get to go skiing with my blacksburg buddies. i miss those crazy, awesome unpredictable friends and my goal for today, after watching the video below, was to make sure and touch base with some of them and share some good conversation and a laugh or two. mission accomplished – check this out below, it’s a wonderful reminder.

Fifty People, One Question: New York from Crush + Lovely on Vimeo.